Sucking

Today I sucked big time.

Like, really.

I had a job interview. It wasn’t a hard or convoluted new position: it was one I’d prepped for, for a department I’d read a lot about and had become familiar with over the Christmas break and throughout January, and more importantly, with a director whom I respect and would really like to work for. I was gonna nail this thing.

But I choked. I. Choked. Did not see that coming.

The awesome answers to “what do you see in 5 years…” kind of question were in my head, written on my brain, I’d gone over them so many times. But for some dang reason, during the 20 minute Skype session (my first ever Skype interview, I should add, though I’ve attended and run many a Skype conference), I did not recall those answers. They were gone into the ether, only to reappear with a VENGEANCE the instant we clicked the little red phone symbol on the screen.

It was 3 minutes of my life that I really really really would love to do over again but I couldn’t. They’re gone forever.

Yes, there were other questions, but this was the main one. The panel had NO idea of the ideas that buzzed in my head, ready to wow and convince them that I was the person for the job, that I could make a meaningful contribution to the institution.

I was so disheartened. I’m usually terrific at interviews. Mind you, it’s been 4 years since I had one. That’s not that long, so what the hec was my problem? It was the. worst. interview. in. my. life.

Maybe I wanted it too much. I definitely could have used the practice at interviewing.

Anyways, the rest of the day was a haze of semi-despair and pity because the FIRST time I’m called to perform and demonstrate my knowledge and personality in a new capacity, I failed. It sucked.

HOWEVER, (and I am always looking on the bright side….), I know that in the big picture of life, this is one little blip, a micro dot, a speck that I will hardly remember though it loomed huge today.

Also, I walked in the door to my home tonight, feeling pretty blue tonight, and went straight to bed and lay on it, wanting to give in to the tears that were somewhere in my stomach all day, when suddenly my four-year-old launched himself at me and to smother me with a kiss and announce, “I love you mommy.” I kid you not, this is what actually happened.

It was like this perfect little moment that instantly made all the gloom go away.

Perspectives, you know.

Work is important and vital and the people I work with are worthy of my respect and admiration. Work will always define me, in some ways, too. But when there is failure or disappointment at work, it’s a chance to learn from what was lacking or missed or simply swept aside (mistakenly or purposefully), and to do better next time, to NOT fail or disappointment in the same area in future.

So, in the end, the bright side is that sucking only gives one the opportunity to suck less the next time.

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